Strange as it may seem, me being a cutter and a suicidal borderline among other things, I really have this passion and love for life. Even when I'm up, down, cutting, or just plain 'normal'; I can't imagine not being alive. On the other hand, I constantly question my existence, and I ponder the pathetic future of society and what my role in it will be. All the dreams I've had are gone. sanity, love, raising children, a happy family. All I really have is my education, and I wonder how much it matters if I can't ever fit with the rest of the world. I accepted tonite that maybe I'm just not the marrying kind. Lord knows I can't stand to be around me sometimes. So I've accepted spinsterhood, should it come down to that. God, it's so pathetic. I'm only 19. I have the rest of my life ahead of me. And I don't care anymore. Life is painful. Tough shit. What can I do? I used to wonder about the meaning of life around age 15. And I'd get very depressed. And I was very alienated. Nobody could seem to give me an answer. And I felt ostracised for asking questions. And today I won't be silenced. I watch my aquaintances-friends get drunk every night. Why? I know they've been damaged like me. They all talk shit behind each others backs. And I don't understand the mechanisms of these people. Do I even want to? I just want to be accepted. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places.